My Life:Poetry Series 2010-2013
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Took me to see Dizzy Gillespie when I a toddler and made happy noises. Kept hearing stories about jazz, often the same stories. I know the music helped him. It was a slow decline, but much worse after the surgery. And much, much worse the last month.
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Dad looked so much older in just the last 3 days we spent together. His light brown hair touched with gray, became white. The death rattle came. Moved him to his side, gave his lips water, and left the room for a second and he died around pm on April, 1st I may be crying more writing this post now than I have since Monday.
There was a sense of relief. If you ever experience the miracle that is someone passing firsthand, you can see how the soul is in the body, then gone. My dad doing pretty well, driving to see Walter in early March, while he was still doing pretty well and entertaining his vast extended family. A good month on the road in mid-summer.
A few weeks later not able to drive at all a new brain tumor. I guess it was meant to be their last trip together. After 42 years. The last long trip was something else entirely. After my dad went to home hospice just before Christmas, mom almost never left the house.
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She wanted to be close, wanted to manage his medications. Tried the best he could to be a caretaker. The aides were there once a day to change him and clean up the bed. The nurse came once or twice a week, and was on call. Being a caretaker of hospice is so challenging. Humans make so much mess without a bathroom. So, so much mess.
Did my first poetry feature last night, it was wonderful and affirming. At a bodybuilding competition all day today, a friend competing. Amazing but exhausting. Going to a poetry reading in Westbrook this morning, hearing that Alice Persons would like me to submit to her Animal Spirits poetry book sequel. I feel like a weight has been lifted. Since late August, I have been worried it would be soon. The surgery may have killed my dad. That may have been a blessing in a way if it did. I have missed 6 weeks of work in the last 6 months. Read less, wrote less, still blogged every day. Got called back 3 times expecting death could be soon, on the 3rd time it was.
Dad was almost unresponsive and hardly there. I felt his suffering in my heart. I felt in my soul. That worry is gone. That suffering is gone. I did expect him to live longer. But I need no more death for a long, long time. I have had too much in the last 15 months. Two beloved and close family members, two entirely different experiences. To all those who are suffering brain injury and loss I offer my sympathy and prayers.
To all those family members dealing with illness I offer my prayers. I offer my energy and intention. To get better with cancer. To understand the brain more. Seeing your beloveds slip away slowly is one of the hardest things I can imagine. Whether you are 2 miles away or miles away. Being a caretaker is so challenging. Blessings to the aides that cleanup.
My Life:Poetry Series 2010-2013
The friends that listen. The parishioners and friends who pray. Blessings to nurses who listen.
Doctors who try their best. We have to get better, we must get better. I miss my dad. May we find a better way to deal with cancer. I am thankful for hospice, and the spirituality of death, but I really wish I had two more decades with one of the anchors in my life. No worries about illness Not seeing his suffer Seeing my dad out of pain, the slow death of brain injury and cancer gone. He had a beautiful life. Was an honest man. A wonderful friend, amazing husband, great father. I feel my creative soul re-awakened. First feature last Friday, 2 slams this week.
My heart does hurt, writing about his death makes me cry. It also makes me glad, of time together, working together especially as a young adult and teenager. Of always buying more equipment, but not always maintaining the old stuff.
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Too much rent, too many terrible employees, but a business and going concern. Great relationship with his customers, maybe sometimes being too nice, too trusting. Cheated by employees several times. Not looking at costs and overhead in charges. Had a Ph. The occasional prank calls with his business the Weed Doctor. Knew the entire map of greater Princeton and Montgomery in his head. Even asked for run for city council a few times. Active guy. Loved the outdoors. Love the desert of the Coachella Valley, California where he grew up.
Wanted to thru hike the Applachian Trail but then came the cancer then came the cancer, then came the cancer. Brain cancer, long wait for surgery, long time in Neuro ICU. Eventually found a bloodless brain surgeon at Pennsylvania Hospital in Philadelphia. Able to get the tumor out. Came back in August, Back to Pennsylvania Hospital. Another stroke a few months later. Mom as caretaker, when she is used to dad taking care of so much.
Not just lawns and lawn care, but her spirit, a lot of driving, just listening to hear talk so, so fast. Still have the fetiish to keep papers until I read them far too often, Lanna my wife knows it too well. Loved his jazz music to the end. The iPod shuffle I got him sustained him in hospital, rehab and nursing homes. Late in his life became a gun nut.
Even asked for his guns while his brain was falling away, watching too much Military Channel, too many shows of survivalists on the National Geographic Channel. Getting in more pain, having less cognition slowly, on steroids, eating so, so much raisin bran. Obsessed with his poop. Lost 20 pounds last 2 weeks, still a big gut after all those steroids and raisin bran. A death gasp, and gone.